When the Writing’s on the Wall
The last year has been one of ups and downs. It has blatantly been filled with many opportunities for growth. Strangely, it’s like I hit a peak and went backwards in life, retracing events as they came, yet taking into them a new knowledge, an awareness of things learned in life. I feel like I’m seventeen again, revived, all of the chips off my heart and soul have swooshed back up from brokenness on the ground to form a magnificent translucent shield of light.
This did not happen in a vacuum. My growth has been great in the part a gifts from others. Yes I’ve done the work, these blessed others just showed me what I already and always have had within. Like a cosmic mirror. We’re all in this together. This is not to minimize what I know about myself that has not been revealed through any external agent. I have been open, and I have gone forth into the world, and into the depths of my subconscious, to a place of union with the heavens and the earth. I know that I am a vast continent, I have always known that, though not before ready to admit it. I cherish my friends and my love for them will never fade, but I have reserved a place in my heart for the man of my dreams. I enjoy time with others. For most of the time I have been single, enjoying much freedom to simply be with myself. Hanging out does not always have to have a romantic projection. However if there is something there, I’ll explore it.
The end of my only committed relationship two years ago opened up a freedom to know other men again on more intimate levels. Each of the unexpected liasons was unique. Some were more sexual than like-minded, others more like-minded than sexual. Each brought feelings of attraction on one hand and also some kind of aversion on the other. The aversions are easily explained by me as simply, it wasn’t the “right” person to be with. By “right,” I mean that perfect mate for me in my life. Obviously, nobody is perfect and one learns what personal deal-breakers to relationships are. Some of the unhappiest times I’ve experienced is the times when I have had both an intense sexual attraction to someone simultaneously with aversion. Sometimes I have ignored the aversion and continued in the pursuit of being with somebody simply for the reason to be with somebody, as long as there were kisses involved. Of course I was attracted to these people, but I knew that it wasn’t right and that I was still looking for the man of my dreams. I had a hard time of letting go once the whose moments had come and gone. I struggled with being able to be in the present moment once the lover was gone. My mind liked to go and drift there, which I believe to be my biggest sin, an obsession, a compulsion. But apparently people can perceive the love one feels from other places separated by physical distance. I don’t want to taint that all up with a sadness, a grief that the moment is gone. Every moment, inexhaustible Love is present, and all is right. To forget this, and being frustrated with what simply is had been my wounding, I have seen it, and I’ve resolved bring in something better, and let old thought patterns go.
From before I can remember I have always had a proclivity to falling in love… even at times I didn’t know exactly who. Maybe this is all a mistake. Instead I should focus my inexhaustible love on God and be celibate cultivating my spiritual life. Maybe I should lead the life of an ascetic like Nietzsche. A part of me sees myself doing that, but the other loves people. What feels right to me is to be open enough with myself to open wide a channel of universal love, a love in life that gets unleashed as in any act like dancing, yoga, music, it lifts me up to glorious heights. Aversion makes it sticky, thinking too much and worrying…
It’s not about doing or not doing, it’s about being. There is just one moment, this one. Nothing is right or wrong, it’s how we are with it, in my opinion this evening.
In opening up oneself to love, whether it’s self-love, and love for another, there’s nothing to lose but weight and everything to gain. Love, knowledge, freedom, lightness, baggage tossed to the wind. Healing, I’m told, is aligning oneself with God. Then everything that appears is from God and channels back to God. We all have something divine to share with each other, whatever message that may be and whatever form that takes, positive or negative. I am surely not going to run from beauty, purity, profundity and love. I am confirmed by synchronicity, and the message on the wall: There is no way to peace, there is just peace. There is no way to happiness, just happiness. There is no way to love, just love. Our prayers are being answered… Love, healing, is here. Right here.
Nina Lois is a graduate student at the University of Colorado at Denver obtaining a Master's Degree in Humanities with a B.A. in political science. Her passions are broad when it comes to the human condition. She is deeply interested in philosophy, psychology, environmental and social justice, peace studies, music, nutrition, tradition, and progress. 
Upon her imminent graduation, she wishes to contribute to the health, wealth, and happiness of the community through involvement, writing, and research. For goodness's sake, love the body, cultivate the mind and a garden, and feed the soul!
Thanks again