Oh For the Love…
So, I’ve been working through some residual hurt feelings. I know it’s unfair, but tonight, I was angry at Love.
When I feel romantic love, I’m out for the real thing, baby- the fairy-tale romance, the white knight on a dark pony. A contradiction in terms, perhaps, but I have an idealized version of the idea of love in my head when my heart’s fires go up in flames ignited by the object of my affection. Up into heaven I’d go, swirling away, with visions of grandeur, love, and passion.
I’ve always been terribly let down. Eros and longevity never went hand in hand. That to me was always so, so sad.
Maybe I’ve gone about love the wrong way this whole time. I’ve always carried around this idea of romantic love I’d received as a kid. I can’t seem to think that all the fairy-tales and love-songs in the world had nothing to do with that. I’ve begun with the idea of the ideal, and applied it to the few great loves that have dotted the landscape of my heart. I loved each of them, at least I thought I did. Did I? God knows… They all have a piece of my heart. It’s theirs to keep.
Just like how some people get angry at God for letting certain tragic things happen, tonight I was angry at Love, at my fate. As suddenly as it came, the anger melts away. Only I could actually deprive myself of love, tell myself the story of my abandonment. It really is all in my head.
From before I can remember, I’ve felt like I’ve had a hole in my heart. I’m sticking my finger in it to poke around in there. I’m taking the light of the Love of God in there to help me see.
I’m looking for seriousness, sincerity, and emptiness.
I’m thinkin’ the hole actually may be in my head.
Nina Lois is a graduate student at the University of Colorado at Denver obtaining a Master's Degree in Humanities with a B.A. in political science. Her passions are broad when it comes to the human condition. She is deeply interested in philosophy, psychology, environmental and social justice, peace studies, music, nutrition, tradition, and progress. 
Upon her imminent graduation, she wishes to contribute to the health, wealth, and happiness of the community through involvement, writing, and research. For goodness's sake, love the body, cultivate the mind and a garden, and feed the soul!
Thanks again