Dream of a Death
I dreamed that Dad died. The feel of the dream was similar to when he was in the hospital and almost died in real life. In my conscious world I had revisited some very old feelings from the era mom and dad kept splitting up and getting back together- once a year for almost a decade. These feelings came up talking about our wedding and listening to some music that reminded me of a trip I took a few years ago that also reminded me of dad’s infidelity and both mom and dad’s broken hearts. I remembered vividly huge waves of rage, disappointment, helplessness, and frustration. I had been unable to separate myself from their drama, and I spent my teenage years, already hard years, severely depressed. I was in so much pain, seeing them in so much pain, that I literally tried to kill myself. From what I gather, a symbolic death happened too in my psyche, a part of me split off, and my development was arrested at a time that I was angry that my parents were not taking care of me as they should. I have seen this manifest in my life, as I have emotionally held others responsible when it comes to my well-being. When I am sad, I need you to x, y, and z.
I was crying and I asked Chris to hold my hand. He said some things that helped me. Assigning blame to someone else was simply not empowering. Why then, would I choose these parents, this situation? Maybe I had an ancient habit of Self-abuse! Another way to look at it, is, in order to know who we are, we must learn what we are not. It is true, I am a nurturer! Under all of the self-abuse, I am a very nurturing person. How fitting– before, when, attuning to my unconscious, I asked my pain what it looked like. I saw an image of a big, cave-sized gaping vagina. What a symbol of the feminine. I must be going through a transformation of turning a negative archetype into a positive one. And to confirm, possibly I dreamed the death of my father, who symbolizes all those old feelings. I want to be free of them. In my dream, I said to myself, luckily I had called him and stayed in touch in the last days of his life. Love wins, and transforms.
The next night, last night, I dreamed that I didn’t want to marry Chris. I was chasing some bodybuilder. This is a strange incongruency that I haven’t figured out yet.
Nina Lois is a graduate student at the University of Colorado at Denver obtaining a Master's Degree in Humanities with a B.A. in political science. Her passions are broad when it comes to the human condition. She is deeply interested in philosophy, psychology, environmental and social justice, peace studies, music, nutrition, tradition, and progress. 
Upon her imminent graduation, she wishes to contribute to the health, wealth, and happiness of the community through involvement, writing, and research. For goodness's sake, love the body, cultivate the mind and a garden, and feed the soul!
Thanks again