Coming Home

On the crest of monumental change, I am feeling truly settled in in all ways. I’ve got order, clarity, beauty, cleanliness, wholesomeness around me and in me. I am present with a flowing sea of love, and alignment with all things light, gentle and kind…

I am growing healthy boundaries for my person. It has entered into my consciousness that others should not determine me. It is I that has final say about myself and my thoughts. I simply have to let others be others, and their things be their things, their thoughts theirs… I must maintain my own psychic space. My thoughts can either support me or do me harm, and it is in my power to see, to choose, and change them if necessary. Clutter in my mind about things over which I have no control, about things outside my healthy boundary, does not serve me. I let go, relax, and nurture myself.

I feel myself permeated with contentment, peacefulness, gratitude… it’s a new beginning. Saturn has finally left the building.

Reflection | 19.09.2007 21:16 | 1 Comment

Hangin Out with Her Feels Good

The next potent memory arrived today during a cranio-sacral therapy appointment. I was lying on the table and Linda was doing work on me. I had an underwater sensation in my ears. I smelled something strange, something gaseous and unfamiliar. I mentioned this to her as the appointment came to a close. “Are you having a memory of your birth?” she asked me. Maybe… “Take your time getting up, dear,” she said.

As I lay there staring at the ceiling, contemplating, I got the urge to yell like a newborn. To release that cry announcing my successful entry into the world- and it was a cry of joy! I felt this sense of joy that I had forgotten all about, a joy that was there all along. A joy that preceded all trauma and baggage. It was a joy that I am here, ready to do some good work! and also, I had a moment of heightened emotion that I was going to release some of that old karma and baggage, and remember, forgive and be forgiven… Then, tiny me, I wanted to cuddle up into my wonderful loving mother’s arms.

Since the memory I had of me after my birth I’ve been spending time with this “baby-me” while lying there in the dark, quiet, sober time before sleep. It feels amazing. What great therapy.

Safe, loved, calm, nothing to worry about, cozy, tranquil, peaceful, beating heart, breathing… joy.

Events, Psychology, Reflection | 17.09.2007 20:49 | 2 Comments

A Different Approach- Dust Uncovers

In the middle of July I started getting my stomach-aches again. I went to my homeopathic doctor and got the herbs that worked for me in the past. I got a sulfur remedy, I took my old remedy, I took fiber, I quit drinking coffee, I even quit smoking (again)… I did everything that worked before. To no avail. I couldn’t get a good night’s sleep because I was running to the bathroom several times. I couldn’t work without having to disappear to deal with a spell every so often. I got dehydrated. I got bronchitis. I got fatigued. My bones hurt, my head hurt… pretty much all I did was work, eat a little, run to the restroom, and sleep. I was NOT going to get pharmaceuticals, but the spasming pain in my gut was getting intolerable. I was getting desperate for my ill health to leave me to greener pastures. I was going on three weeks of this wretched misery.

This may all have been set off by a question I asked my companion when we were discussing esoteric subjects, wounding and healing, and tidbits of our pasts. I noted how hard I am on others, sometimes, like my dear little 11 year old house-mate and her habit of leaving lights on all over the house, no matter where she is. I noted how hard on myself I can be- how I always had been. I hit myself in the head with a hammer when I was a five year old child one time when I felt like I had misbehaved. “What did I do in a past life or something to make me treat myself this harshly?” I asked, really wanting to know.

“I know someone who can help you answer that,” he said.

Read the rest of this entry »

Health, Reflection, Spirituality | 9.08.2007 23:20 | 3 Comments

When the Writing’s on the Wall

The last year has been one of ups and downs. It has blatantly been filled with many opportunities for growth. Strangely, it’s like I hit a peak and went backwards in life, retracing events as they came, yet taking into them a new knowledge, an awareness of things learned in life. I feel like I’m seventeen again, revived, all of the chips off my heart and soul have swooshed back up from brokenness on the ground to form a magnificent translucent shield of light.

This did not happen in a vacuum. My growth has been great in the part a gifts from others. Yes I’ve done the work, these blessed others just showed me what I already and always have had within. Like a cosmic mirror. We’re all in this together. This is not to minimize what I know about myself that has not been revealed through any external agent. I have been open, and I have gone forth into the world, and into the depths of my subconscious, to a place of union with the heavens and the earth. I know that I am a vast continent, I have always known that, though not before ready to admit it. I cherish my friends and my love for them will never fade, but I have reserved a place in my heart for the man of my dreams. I enjoy time with others. For most of the time I have been single, enjoying much freedom to simply be with myself. Hanging out does not always have to have a romantic projection. However if there is something there, I’ll explore it.

The end of my only committed relationship two years ago opened up a freedom to know other men again on more intimate levels. Each of the unexpected liasons was unique. Some were more sexual than like-minded, others more like-minded than sexual. Each brought feelings of attraction on one hand and also some kind of aversion on the other. The aversions are easily explained by me as simply, it wasn’t the “right” person to be with. By “right,” I mean that perfect mate for me in my life. Obviously, nobody is perfect and one learns what personal deal-breakers to relationships are. Some of the unhappiest times I’ve experienced is the times when I have had both an intense sexual attraction to someone simultaneously with aversion. Sometimes I have ignored the aversion and continued in the pursuit of being with somebody simply for the reason to be with somebody, as long as there were kisses involved. Of course I was attracted to these people, but I knew that it wasn’t right and that I was still looking for the man of my dreams. I had a hard time of letting go once the whose moments had come and gone. I struggled with being able to be in the present moment once the lover was gone. My mind liked to go and drift there, which I believe to be my biggest sin, an obsession, a compulsion. But apparently people can perceive the love one feels from other places separated by physical distance. I don’t want to taint that all up with a sadness, a grief that the moment is gone. Every moment, inexhaustible Love is present, and all is right. To forget this, and being frustrated with what simply is had been my wounding, I have seen it, and I’ve resolved bring in something better, and let old thought patterns go.

From before I can remember I have always had a proclivity to falling in love… even at times I didn’t know exactly who. Maybe this is all a mistake. Instead I should focus my inexhaustible love on God and be celibate cultivating my spiritual life. Maybe I should lead the life of an ascetic like Nietzsche. A part of me sees myself doing that, but the other loves people. What feels right to me is to be open enough with myself to open wide a channel of universal love, a love in life that gets unleashed as in any act like dancing, yoga, music, it lifts me up to glorious heights. Aversion makes it sticky, thinking too much and worrying…

It’s not about doing or not doing, it’s about being. There is just one moment, this one. Nothing is right or wrong, it’s how we are with it, in my opinion this evening.

In opening up oneself to love, whether it’s self-love, and love for another, there’s nothing to lose but weight and everything to gain. Love, knowledge, freedom, lightness, baggage tossed to the wind. Healing, I’m told, is aligning oneself with God. Then everything that appears is from God and channels back to God. We all have something divine to share with each other, whatever message that may be and whatever form that takes, positive or negative. I am surely not going to run from beauty, purity, profundity and love. I am confirmed by synchronicity, and the message on the wall: There is no way to peace, there is just peace. There is no way to happiness, just happiness. There is no way to love, just love. Our prayers are being answered… Love, healing, is here. Right here.

Love, Reflection | 27.06.2007 22:20 | No Comments

Flooding

Water from last week’s rains churled down the creek, overflowing its banks and flooded the sidewalk in places. Birds swooped around in the air underneath the bridges in the sunlight. Warmth saturated the earth and the skin of the other pedestrians. Stench reeked from the bodies of brown corpses of drowned animals on their backs, jaw bones jutting out from rotting flesh. The sound of the water and the current tostled by me. It was a Baudelaire-esque moment and these were interesting times.

I let him walk away that day. There he went, hands in pockets, with his back-pack riding on his T-shirted back, getting smaller in the distance alone among thousands of students swarming on the university sidewalks. I swallowed the urge to call his name… We usually hung out and read together after class, brilliant conversations tossed back and forth, his enthusiasm matching mine at songs that made us want to throw everything down and dance. He shared his grapes with me in class, we’d go to his office or a coffee shop, or sprawl out on the grass with our academic papers. He poked at me with a stick. A flood of images- endearing, and saddening haunt me.

But he doesn’t have the rest of what I need, and I can’t compromise. Tears pierce my cheeks, set my nostrils on fire. I wonder where my man is, where on earth is he. Fear arises and gnaws at my confidence.

I put it aside to finish three papers this week, and summer will set me free.

Reflection | 1.05.2007 10:59 | No Comments