Awkward Presentation

I don’t like being on the spot. I can sing like a song-bird to you when I am inspired, and can orate on a whim like no other. However, when it’s a test, it makes me nervous. It is an insecurity that creeps up when I am on the spot.

In the spot, dark room, piercing hot white light on the top of my head, making my hair hot and my stomach drop. Why? What beliefs do I have of you that I let this happen? Do I perceive a threat to my self-worth?

I am in control when you don’t expect it of me, demanding perfection. It is I that demands it, do you too? Are you demanding it of yourself. I sprinted off from the start line and hadn’t stopped to collect myself, to collect energy, and your attention.

Reminds me of the Cardigans song ” Read the rest of this entry »

Open, Reflection | 28.02.2010 20:03 | No Comments

I don’t want to be a June Cleaver

Or do I? She’s kinda hot and keeps a tight ship, cooking and everything.

Who am I really?

It’s been coming to light that I have a problem with imperfection. Or something. Perhaps it is informed by a desire to merge with the heavens and ultimately leave this troublesome earth. Whether it is imperfection with my baking, or in the state of affairs at our house.

I find that I am guided by statements that begin with “I can’t stand it when…” This does not serve me; in fact, it makes life rather miserable.

Living with two boys whose last priority is cleanliness and tidiness of our house has been challenging. I have been resenting the way that it has been playing out. The story that I tell myself is, that I don’t want to be June Cleaver- I don’t want to be responsible for everything round here.

I tell myself that I am the only one who does any upkeep around here. Why do I have to be the one to almost always do dishes left in the sink, replace toilet paper, etc. etc. At least they take out the trash and recyclables, but only when they are piling high. I hate piles, I can’t stand it when things pile up. They may not prioritize these things, but it is disrespectful and inconsiderate that they leave the house such a mess for others.

When really, it’s not personal. They don’t expect me to do it. It is not a priority for them. But it is for me, and this is where I want to start butting my head.

So how do I transform this? I shoudn’t seek to control the situation. Or should I? I am reminded of the porcupine medicine, which I discovered in healing– the porcupine, whose quills I have to beware because they end up in my belly. The porcupine reminds me to be playful, and the poem goes something like this: stickly prickly, do not push your way into my life without consent. Unasked advice has a price- control is not good intent.

Generally, I must create a space for imperfection, for what simply is. This state of affairs is not going to go anywhere, not even with a huge battle with my roommates, and that would not be pleasant or productive. Cleaning is definitley more my thing. I must remember that when I don’t hold back, when I provide my talents, the universe supports me- the boys support me in other ways.

I release the urge to control my surroundings. All that I can control is myself. I must continually let go of my ego hassling me about what is “right” and “wrong.” What is Tao for me is what serves me. That is to control my house with perspective, as a Taurus, clean, orderly, sensuous, meticulous. I can’t resist it, and putting up so much resistance has taxed my energy. When I create a space for imperfection and disorder, I create a space for love, and for me to be myself– really, truly, lovingly, myself. Humbled, and in service. To myself above all, and to others.

My man said it himself. “Just ask and we will do a cleaning jam together.” He is committed to an hour of cleaning a week.

Cleaning jam, here we go, and I am loving it.

P.S. Going deeper– maybe I was resisting being a wife! Rebelling against tradition… except this is not really a traditional situation. We’re not married, and I have two men in this house. I have a job, I pay rent. Maybe I was being a spoiled only child- wanting everything done and not wanting to do any of it. All these tasks, and I felt like I had to do them all– but I don’t. I am growing into being a woman, it’s time to own it. I cook, I clean, I have a life outside the home, this is what I do. The boys have what they do too.

Before I moved in, my man said that we are partners. He’s committed to me. It’s time I not hold back doing wifey stuff- not hold back for lack of a label and a title, for rebellion, for some chimeric “equality” and women’s lib. Who am I really? I am a woman, a partner, a friend, a lover, a nurturer. I am being taken care of, it’s ok to give! Every little thing does not have to be split evenly. Everyone pitches in their strengths.

I ask for the power to discriminate between situations where I need to not hold back, and lovingly share my talents, and situations where I righteously ask for help.

Rant, Reflection | 3.05.2009 9:07 | No Comments

Homesick and Soul-food

I dreamed about being in the Czech lands last night. God I miss that place. I really, really miss the feeling that I have when I am there. I miss the old world, the cobblestones and the old buildings, the deep familiarity, the profound connection.

There is a part of me that belongs there.

This is not to negate my attachment to this place, Denver, Colorado, America. However, a part of me longs for the place of my roots, and I tapped a place of deep emotion and waves of grief as I felt the chasm of separation.

I reflected on this this morning. Going from the tangent of meditating on the question of who am I, really? as a spiritual being, a soul belonging to the open system of the universe, I have no set “home” on this planet. Home is a symbol. I felt the suffering Buddhists speak of, the suffering resulting from attachment. Dwelling in the past robs me of an authentic present, as I feel the pangs in my heart from a distanced past, as I plan for my inevitable next trip to the familial land.

Oddly, this is connected to how I deal with food. I ate another delicious breakfast, which included my latest form of dope: almond bread with butter and honey. I was ravenous for another before the taste of honey faded from my taste buds. I was oblivious to the food that was already nourishing me inside.

Dreams, Reflection | 27.04.2009 11:47 | No Comments

Mid-May Body and Mind

I’ve been going to see him for NMT (neuro-modular technique) bi-weekly for eight weeks. I improved in the third visit and after some cranial-sacral therapy with Linda, but then I had kind of stayed stuck with still heightened pain in the gut and joints that hovered without any of the other symptoms exacerbating. Dr. Schwartz had found a virus, and reprogrammed my neurology to recognize it as a target for my immune system, which is reacting properly, not “over-activating” as in an “immune disease” which is what Crohn’s is called by the conventional doctors. Schwartz cleared other blockages to healing, karma, and only he or my chart at his office could tell you what else. I had done shamanism, and psychotherapy too, but my somatic, bodily functions were still hovering at dis-ease.

Last week, Dr. Schwartz had released some negative emotions that had to do with my systemic inflammatory response, ulcerative colitis. He said that I could fine, or I could cry and be emotional. If I was, then that was okay, I was just releasing.

I went home and took a nap. In my dream, my niece Christine was hungry for a meat-snack, and she boiled my cat alive. I could hear Walter meowing from inside the pot, and I was in pieces about it, sobbing and crying, devastated. I woke up crying and sobbing! I remembered that I was releasing, and the emotions left me.

I told Antonio about it last visit with him. His first thought was that my unconscious mind was telling me that I wanted some meat.

Then I told him about my stress that I may be need to move in a year or less, and I know the change will be awful for the cats to bear and there will be peeing on stuff when moving happens. The fact that I have three cats has been overwhelming me when I think about my living situation- should anything change. The possibility of change is there because a) Chris and I have tossed around the idea of living together sooner or later and b) my room-mate has been perpetually late on bills and reasonably partaking in household chores. Something needs to change in that scenario (the stress and resentment is negatively affecting my health) and- we have made changes in the bill situation and rent payment deadline/consequences for late payments. One of consequences is termination of her living here! That would be sad though, in a way, she is a dear friend and living with her has been wonderful, too. It is secure for me and my cats, but I had to draw a boundary.

The stress of maybe moving my life around, and the thought of my cats and their peeing has made me wonder what I was going to do with my cats if I had trouble keeping them- if they would pee all over our stuff. I love them dearly! But that behavior is unacceptable. I’m not a stranger to this thought that a part of me would rather “kill” the trouble-maker if they kept peeing on our stuff, than take the cat to a shelter. They would suffer so bad there! Antonio said how acceptable it really is be released from suffering, however, it was interesting that I formulated the sentence the way I had. This got me thinking. “Killing” Walter, was maybe a strictly logical thing to do, but contrary to what could feel as right. Also I am very devoted to my values (take care of my kitties even if it means sacrificing my life moving onward, perhaps, to take care of them)… I must have had such an incredible internal conflict, when the murderous thought arose. It perhaps brought itself to light in the dream that I had… such an “unacceptable” thought of offing my cat was so unacceptable to me that I must have repressed the worst of it. Or maybe it’s anger left over from the fourth time my cat peed on my bed, when he pissed on it right in front of me and I lost it.

Nothing really happened in the journey, that day. But perhaps that energy was released in my dream, and talking about it with Antonio opened a door for the transformation of that energy back into my consciousness, uniting thought and feeling. I just kept coming up against the void in the journey, and fell asleep. I did find the deer and the elephant, toward the end, and elephant wrapped her trunk around me and said that I was deserving of healing. I had not been able to affirmatively answer the question a few days ago. That belief of not deserving may have been quite a block in my healing. The affirmation from elephant was wonderful, and felt real. The King of the Underworld didn’t say anything, but it felt like he affirmed that NMT was serving me.

I watch my mind lately and it, in situations, jumps by default to blame. I play the victim. I find someone to blame.

I must remember to be loved, and to be love.

Dreams, Health, Journey, Reflection | 21.05.2008 3:01 | No Comments

More Medecine

My dreams tend to alert me of things percolating in my subconscious that want attention and seem to beg of resolution. Simultaneously these past few days, I have noticed toxic thoughts erupting in my waking mind that require the same. From both sides, the part of me that these thoughts and energies are emmanating from are disaffected, teenage me. Aspects of her deemed unacceptable speak from exile…

Whether these are as Carl Jung would have, complexes, or parts of my soul for me to retrieve and integrate, my recent readings in psychology and shamanism have applied. This has been so cool and has continued my healing process– including a powerful treasure coming from my dreamworld:

I was in a personal situation at my house that I felt I had no control over, I was just kind of going along with it, and I was hanging out in a state of a kind of apathy. One of my house plants, the one that’s kind of tree-like and has winding brances with rounded leaves that spread out like an octopus, grew larger-than-life suddenly and imposed itself in the room, and I noticed that it had black marks on it that was an invasion of some kind of pest or disease. In the next moment, the plant turned into an elephant in my main room. It overwhelmed me, stood over me and held me down with its mouth, as if it was protecting me from the situation. My power animal?!?

When thinking of the elephant in terms of its largness, memory, intelligence, and emotional fullness, and allowing its protection to expand over my entire timeline, I feel its medecine through me like a magic baby-blanket. I feel protected from the discomfort of powerlessness and the resulting self-criticism that seems to have developed into a pattern for me. Now I feel like the elephant is taking care of that stuff for me, I don’t have to worry about it any more.

Thank you, Elephant! May you be happy and free from suffering…

It is wise to know what it is that I do have control over, and what it is that I do not, and how to be a discerning creator in what I do and who I am… and to practice this…

Dreams, Reflection | 1.10.2007 22:06 | No Comments