Job Hunt Recession ‘o9

I was looking for a job in the Great Recession of ’09. Having no luck breaking into the education field, I decided to look for a restaurant job. Money was running out. Thanks to my man, I finally faced the numbers to see how much I owed on my student loans, and how much it would cost to pay back. In the nick of time, I stopped taking out loans. I post-poned taking thesis credit hours, and went on the job hunt at a pretty treacherous time. Jobs were out there, but there were much much more job seekers. At first, I applied to anything I could find I could do on Craigslist. I applied at offices, I applied at universities, I applied at cleaning companies, I applied at schools…
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Events, Journey, Short Story | 15.12.2009 21:53 | No Comments

Underground Stream Carries Away Sadness

I wanted to write about the monster that I met on my journey shortly after the death of Walter Kitty. Walter hangs out with me know in my sanctuary before I travel to the Lower World. In this late summer journey, he was my guide.

So, once I tranced out in Antonio’s basement room and my spirit traveled to the lower world, I met this monster. I knew it was a manifestation of a deep grief. The monster was chocolate brown and furry. I began to shave it, and I tied a ribbon in his hair. This monster needed to be buried, so that is what I did. This did not seem to be enough to dispel the energy, so I saw it draw into an underground stream, which carried it away, away, away.

This has been extraordinarily valuable in my waking life. When I have felt grief (especially about Walter Kitty, I have given to my tears freely, and I breathe them along instead of packing them in. I get a sense of that underground stream, and it washes the pain away, away, away.

Journey | 15.12.2009 17:58 | No Comments

Journeying: From Chipmunk to Lion

Antonio reminded me to call upon my allies, one who would a guide, others representing protection, courage, and strength; that I should dialogue with them, because it was this that created the alliance. Additionally, that I needed to slay any entity appeared that robbed me of my power. In doing battle in this way I would reclaim that power. A warrior.

Antonio lead me through the shamanic breathing and a relaxation, and began his horse-hoof-like beat on the drum. The recording he also used came in, and as my body fell away and my spirit grew light, I set out in my exploration.

I saw the opening in the rock wall that appeared, and walked down a spiral staircase until I appeared in the Lower World, again, a very barren landscape. A guide appeared, an entity that I had never seen before- a pale robin-egg colored winged lizard. I called for my other allies, and protection appeared as an elephant– could a chipmunk be courage? Deer was there as strength– yes could it be the chipmunk was courage? “Why do you represent courage, Chipmunk?” I asked. His response was that because he was so small he could run places undetected. It didn’t make sense to me. What was so courageous about not being seen by an adversary? What or who was it that I didn’t want to be seen by? Who was my enemy? I saw myself standing in front of me, an awkward third grader, shy, and not particularly fond about being seen. The chipmunk transformed into a lion. I knew that I had to kill her. Shouldn’t I love her instead? She, so critical of me robbed me of my power. Reluctantly, I cut away at her with my sword. My mother and father who had also robbed me of power appeared, and I sliced them up too, and buried them in the ground. I was surprisingly joyful, and I felt like dancing to celebrate, I felt lighter in a sense. I began to doze off, and as I reflected on the scene a bit, I had visions of a meatloaf sandwich and green beans. I found nourishment in reclaiming that power, and part of me became a reluctant but regal lion instead of a timid, skiddish chipmunk.

Journey | 29.01.2009 23:11 | No Comments

Mid-May Body and Mind

I’ve been going to see him for NMT (neuro-modular technique) bi-weekly for eight weeks. I improved in the third visit and after some cranial-sacral therapy with Linda, but then I had kind of stayed stuck with still heightened pain in the gut and joints that hovered without any of the other symptoms exacerbating. Dr. Schwartz had found a virus, and reprogrammed my neurology to recognize it as a target for my immune system, which is reacting properly, not “over-activating” as in an “immune disease” which is what Crohn’s is called by the conventional doctors. Schwartz cleared other blockages to healing, karma, and only he or my chart at his office could tell you what else. I had done shamanism, and psychotherapy too, but my somatic, bodily functions were still hovering at dis-ease.

Last week, Dr. Schwartz had released some negative emotions that had to do with my systemic inflammatory response, ulcerative colitis. He said that I could fine, or I could cry and be emotional. If I was, then that was okay, I was just releasing.

I went home and took a nap. In my dream, my niece Christine was hungry for a meat-snack, and she boiled my cat alive. I could hear Walter meowing from inside the pot, and I was in pieces about it, sobbing and crying, devastated. I woke up crying and sobbing! I remembered that I was releasing, and the emotions left me.

I told Antonio about it last visit with him. His first thought was that my unconscious mind was telling me that I wanted some meat.

Then I told him about my stress that I may be need to move in a year or less, and I know the change will be awful for the cats to bear and there will be peeing on stuff when moving happens. The fact that I have three cats has been overwhelming me when I think about my living situation- should anything change. The possibility of change is there because a) Chris and I have tossed around the idea of living together sooner or later and b) my room-mate has been perpetually late on bills and reasonably partaking in household chores. Something needs to change in that scenario (the stress and resentment is negatively affecting my health) and- we have made changes in the bill situation and rent payment deadline/consequences for late payments. One of consequences is termination of her living here! That would be sad though, in a way, she is a dear friend and living with her has been wonderful, too. It is secure for me and my cats, but I had to draw a boundary.

The stress of maybe moving my life around, and the thought of my cats and their peeing has made me wonder what I was going to do with my cats if I had trouble keeping them- if they would pee all over our stuff. I love them dearly! But that behavior is unacceptable. I’m not a stranger to this thought that a part of me would rather “kill” the trouble-maker if they kept peeing on our stuff, than take the cat to a shelter. They would suffer so bad there! Antonio said how acceptable it really is be released from suffering, however, it was interesting that I formulated the sentence the way I had. This got me thinking. “Killing” Walter, was maybe a strictly logical thing to do, but contrary to what could feel as right. Also I am very devoted to my values (take care of my kitties even if it means sacrificing my life moving onward, perhaps, to take care of them)… I must have had such an incredible internal conflict, when the murderous thought arose. It perhaps brought itself to light in the dream that I had… such an “unacceptable” thought of offing my cat was so unacceptable to me that I must have repressed the worst of it. Or maybe it’s anger left over from the fourth time my cat peed on my bed, when he pissed on it right in front of me and I lost it.

Nothing really happened in the journey, that day. But perhaps that energy was released in my dream, and talking about it with Antonio opened a door for the transformation of that energy back into my consciousness, uniting thought and feeling. I just kept coming up against the void in the journey, and fell asleep. I did find the deer and the elephant, toward the end, and elephant wrapped her trunk around me and said that I was deserving of healing. I had not been able to affirmatively answer the question a few days ago. That belief of not deserving may have been quite a block in my healing. The affirmation from elephant was wonderful, and felt real. The King of the Underworld didn’t say anything, but it felt like he affirmed that NMT was serving me.

I watch my mind lately and it, in situations, jumps by default to blame. I play the victim. I find someone to blame.

I must remember to be loved, and to be love.

Dreams, Health, Journey, Reflection | 21.05.2008 3:01 | No Comments

Deep Transformation

Father stubbed his toe on a rock and got angry. He whirled around and tripped on a log. He tumbled forward, and accidently speared his little girl through the gut, and the blade of the sword from his sword collection stabbed deep into the black, crumbly dirt through her abdomen. Her blood pooled down deep, mingling with and dripping down roots of a tree that grew tall into the sky, sturdy and strong. It lived for a while and then died, becoming a woody old skeleton.

Father went out into the wilderness again one day, fumbled over the gnarled roots, and fell onto the woody skeleton tree, and it stabbed him through the heart. He died in the arms of the tree, who’d embraced the little girl in death too, and decomposed into the Earth in her grave.

The roots of her fear, pain, and betrayal shot so deep into the Earth that it reached magma. When it tapped the magma, red molten fire shot up the roots and oozed regeneratively through the girl’s intestines, healing the wound and producing a chain of islands in the deep, grand sea. She was a powerful queen on this island, and saw her king before her, without fear, eye to eye, love to love.

One day the Queen became pregnant. She bore a healthy, glowing, pink, but ugly child. For an instant she withheld her love. But suddenly the baby became beautiful, and turned into a fine young man. “How could you withhold love from me?” He asked. The mother could not answer. He held her in his arms, “because you too have had love withheld from you, yourself. I forgive you, dear sweet mother, and forgive yourself, too. You are forgiven, and I love you.” She held him in her arms, and rocked him back and forth for seven years, completely blissed out. Grandfather looked on the whole time, unseen, loving them from heaven.

Journey | 31.03.2008 21:34 | 2 Comments