Amazing buddy, hunter and now, hunted.

I reel from Walter Kitty’s disappearance. There’s a void of absence in my gut, and it squeezes shut tight when I remember him. I wince from the pain that crashes in with the same intensity that my love for him carries. He’s gone.

I seek equanimity. His magnanimous presence– his snuggles, biscuits, love-bites, face-rubs, sharpening claws on the carpet, sleeping on the bed, bringing in mice, soft meows from the other side of the basement window, dignified face with long white eye-brow whiskers peering in– all these were a great gift, a bonus. He enriched my life so much. This good life, already. As I experience the other side of this, the missing, I seek to rest in the middle. I seek peace, this moment in it’s perfection…

He died playing his favorite game. He was so attuned to life, to the great Mother Nature of wild things, great nurturer and destroyer. He was an active participant of the predator/prey dance– How many mice that kitty brought in, and ate their head off. and also the birds… How fitting he’d get taken out by a coyote, or foxes– darn trickster! I now have an even greater reverence for the animals I eat…

I had a piece of him to bury, thank you coyote… I have his pictures, thank you modern technology. I exalt his memory, I give thanks. I try to let it be. I see him go on his crocodile walk, swaggering like a lion to kitty heaven.

Letting him slip into the other side… somewhere between being and not being….

I’ll always love you, Walter Kitty. Peace~

Cats, Events | 6.09.2009 14:52 | No Comments

When You’re Pissed

This is a follow-up on Walter Kitty. I ended up calling Maggie who did a psychic reading on Walter over the phone. She confirmed my gut assumption, that Walter was pissed off at the changes around the house- namely the addition of Chris and his dog to our little family. He is like a spoiled old man, and I didn’t help the situation… I was very strict about feeding the cats only twice a day, and not letting their hungry little appetites rule me. Well Walter wanted to eat a whole lot more than that- he prefers the six small meals a day versus the two or three big ones. He peed on my bed right after I refused to accomodate him once. Well, he’s a very loved and spoiled kitty, and there’s no changing that now. Asserting my domination in a calloused way backfired. He’s got some time left with me, and when somebody’s pissed, it is no good to fight fire with fire. Love, forgiveness and acceptance made things better here at our house. I made sure he knows that he is still the lion king. I hope the peace and good behavior last!

Cats | 24.01.2008 17:02 | 1 Comment

What to Do?

Walter Kitty was sick again recently. He had a urinary tract infection and he quit eating. This is two years after he quit eating and the vet told me he had intestinal leukemia and was almost put to sleep. I took him home for “one more night” and then he started eating again and was fine. I guess it wasn’t his time. This last time, I still wasn’t ready to let him slip away, so I took him to the vet and forced him a little food and some antibiotics. I asked for him to give me a sign if he wanted to stay with me or if he was ready to go on. He got better. But then more and more Dali’s stuff was getting peed on, and both of our beds. I even caught him in the act a couple of times. I got a follow-up urinary analysis, which came back fine.

Walter had started peeing on things before his most recent illness. It started about the time that Chris and I started seeing more and more of each other. Walter just very well may be jealous and “pissed” because his space began to contain a man and his dog. Cats take change very hard. I’ve gotten equally if not more pissed that he pisses our beds! I have a right to this, but I feel terrible because of the degree to which I reacted and figuratively kicked Walter’s ass. I yelled at thim and got him by the scruff and threw him around. I was like a bear. He flinched around me for a while afterward, which makes me feel like an evil monster. He still flinches when I put him up on the bed. I am frustrated beyond words that my beloved cat is acting this way, I know he is sick, but physically he has seemed ok, even though I know his heart and kidneys aren’t in the greatest shape. How am I supposed to react when he pisses on my bed right in front of me and I think it’s out of jealousy or him not getting his way?

I asked him to give me a sign if he was ready to go. His strict diet and wanting to eat constantly makes it difficult for me to have a life outside my home. I can’t watch him constantly. Maybe his job here with me is done, which is what it feels like he is telling me. So he’s walking around, sleeping alot, not really going to play outside nor being too terribly social, but still loving. I am going back and forth about whether it is his time to go. It has hit me that his peeing on everything could be that sign.

I had told him that he couldn’t stay here if he was going to be too ill or too naughty. I told him I wanted him to stay, that I wanted him to be good, well, and happy. He kept right on peeing. This has to be a strong message of some kind. So I told him I’d help him go. Tension melted inside the house and with Walter’s energy.

But he’s not sick enough for the vet to put him down. Any vet is going to want to run a bunch of expensive tests to figure out what’s wrong with him, and only put him down if they find something terribly wrong. The last vet said that the peeing was probably simply behavioral. I can’t take him to a shelter, because he would be miserable until the end of his days locked in a cage with bunches of other cats. I do not want to abandon him there. If I set him loose in nature he’d starve and then get eaten by something.

Is there a Dr. Kevorkian for cats? I want to be able to do for him what my mother wanted in the later stages of ALS. I just can’t be 100% sure that that’s what Walter Kitty wants. I look at him and it feels like he’s waiting for something.

Cats | 13.01.2008 18:43 | 1 Comment

Knowing When

I couldn’t do it.

He wandered around the room, looking out the windows. He meowed. He rubbed up on my legs. He hopped up in my lap. He purred, and shivered. Before I took him there, all he wanted to do was to play outside.

No time is a good time for this. It was not going to get any easier. He’s emaciated, his organs are failing, he has cancer… I do not want to keep him in agony. Dr. Barnes said he is undoubtedly very uncomfortable.

It’s all so very devestating.

As we all stood there, the vet holding Walter’s leg with the catheter in one hand, holding the needle with the other, Walter pulling back, shaking– I stopped it.

No. Not yet. He’s not ready. He has some more enjoying of life to do. That’s what he wanted. No matter all the pain the vet said he’ got to be in.

I took him home for a bit more time to enjoy the outdoors and each other. Here and now. Our time together. We hung out outside, we cuddled, and he is still okay. We all know it’s coming, but not quite yet.

Though I am on the brink of tears and have fits of crying, it has never been more urgent to be in the moment and enjoy our love while it is right here in front of me, and to try not to worry about what I will do when he is gone. There will be plenty of time for that grief then.

Despite it all, back at home, Walter was calm, batting at sticks, rolling in crunchy leaves and kneading the grass, soaking the sun into his open belly, and shoving his head into my hand to be rubbed. He is hanging on for every last minute.

I do my best to reciprocate his care-free, light-hearted attitude. I am truly amazed by him. But I am so, terribly sad he is leaving. When he is ready. I will never be.

Cats | 18.01.2006 1:01 | 1 Comment

Walter’s Time

Tonight Nimue is at the vet’s for observation…

Today I was up at 8:30 and called Belcaro to get an appointment to have both cats have fecal exams and other tests done. Dr. Bechtold was out until Thursday. I called Dr. Barnes over at my old vet clinic. Luckily, the only time she had for today was 9:30. Perfect. The sooner the better.

Both cats had and are having tests done, like poor little sick aliens.

While Walter was gone today I thought I heard him once and out of the corner of my eye I saw him walk by, but that was just smoke from the incense.

How am I possibly going to handle him not being here?

When Dr. Barnes called, she had answers about Walter. She said that the question whether or not to treat him was going to be made easy with her findings. She is almost sure that he has intestinal leukemia. Also, he has a tumor in his abdomen, and he is developing more oxilate crystals in his bladder.

I knew that it was coming to this, I just didn’t think it would be this soon.

With this news, it needs to be as soon as possible. You can see it in his eyes. He came home for one last night.

Walter and Iony know. Walter is ready. He even hung out in his carrier alittle tonight. He spent some time with me on my lap, some on the couch in the front room, some with Iony, now he’s laying on my winter scarf that’s on the bed. He’ll sleep next to me all night.

He’s been wandering, too. He missed his vet appointment on Friday. Maybe it’s because I forgot to tell him what time to be home by. He’s really very smart.

Oh, dear, we just hit the twelve hour mark. One of my angels is departing and going back to heaven from where he came. Bless his heart. Bless his wonderful, wonderful spirit. I am sooo grateful for all those years.

You will be so, so, so sorely missed. Thank you, Walter Kitty, for being such a good, good buddy. You truly are amazing. Be free, and many, many, many blessings in the next place.

/* tears welling up and spilling over * /

Come, Peace.

Cats | 16.01.2006 22:57 | 3 Comments