Tuesday was our second anniversary. We went back to the place where I found him. The theater was closed, but he got out of the car and hopped up to it through the rain to look in through the dark windows. He turned and waved his arm, motioning for me to come too.
We hung out there on the sidewalk where we first talked about the coolest things, giving each other kisses as the rain poured down, falling outside the awning giving us shelter. Then he pulled the ring out of his shirt pocket and asked me to marry him. Of course! I said and threw my arms around his neck. And that is how it happened– it is happening!
It feels wonderful to belong to somebody. To love so deeply and to be loved in return. I have found my opposite, my one true love, no holds barred, who walks with me into the deep. I feel lucky, grateful, solid. As the shock recedes the emotions swell… I am amazed. It is happening to me!
Events, Love | 20.06.2009 9:23 | No Comments
The other night I dreamed that I was on top of the big hill where the Hollywood sign is, except I couldn’t remember the name of the city so the big white letters on the hillside said something else. It was nighttime. There was a garden up there, a circular space surrounded by trees. There were other people there with me, distant friends and relatives- notably my father. As we were leaving, I noticed embers inside one of the trees, which was hollow. Inside, it was burning.
Stuff going on in my life includes shifting my perspective on domestic life and partnership. The big picture is crystalizing of how life is going to look based on the current trajectory, and old hang-ups are being burned up to make space for a new and better paradigm.
Dreams | 26.05.2009 9:50 | No Comments
End the bias towards pharmaceutical companies and singled-out dependence on drug therapy!
Educate about real food outside the box and package!
Drive less, walk more!
Be a behemoth of a switch to a nation of preventative care.
What is it to be good to yourself?
Health, Politics | 12.05.2009 9:26 | No Comments
It’s a slippery slope between single and married. A lot happens between falling in love, and committing yourself entirely to a person. Especially after having loved and lost so much in my life. We plunged in and are taking the next step slow, as it crystalizes. I’ve seen my unconscious holding back in the household, and self-protection.
My family has made me. They act as if my man has to win their trust and they are suspicious. Why hasn’t he married me yet? they ask. I resent that they shake me down and they put me on the defensive. They don’t know what is right for me– they may think they do, but I wish they would relax and support me where I am. All my life I have clawed at the world in determining my own way. My life has its own pace, its own time, its own rightness, as does my significant relationship. I delve into my soul and reflect– is this right? Is this my man? His beautiful image bounces back at me. It is, he is.
I love, I release, I open, I love more fully. I open up my nurturing arms. Giving love, unafraid; there is no void. I am safe, nurtured, loved, and protected. After a large portion of life feeling these things lack, I am finally home.
Love | 7.05.2009 20:38 | No Comments
Or do I? She’s kinda hot and keeps a tight ship, cooking and everything.
Who am I really?
It’s been coming to light that I have a problem with imperfection. Or something. Perhaps it is informed by a desire to merge with the heavens and ultimately leave this troublesome earth. Whether it is imperfection with my baking, or in the state of affairs at our house.
I find that I am guided by statements that begin with “I can’t stand it when…” This does not serve me; in fact, it makes life rather miserable.
Living with two boys whose last priority is cleanliness and tidiness of our house has been challenging. I have been resenting the way that it has been playing out. The story that I tell myself is, that I don’t want to be June Cleaver- I don’t want to be responsible for everything round here.
I tell myself that I am the only one who does any upkeep around here. Why do I have to be the one to almost always do dishes left in the sink, replace toilet paper, etc. etc. At least they take out the trash and recyclables, but only when they are piling high. I hate piles, I can’t stand it when things pile up. They may not prioritize these things, but it is disrespectful and inconsiderate that they leave the house such a mess for others.
When really, it’s not personal. They don’t expect me to do it. It is not a priority for them. But it is for me, and this is where I want to start butting my head.
So how do I transform this? I shoudn’t seek to control the situation. Or should I? I am reminded of the porcupine medicine, which I discovered in healing– the porcupine, whose quills I have to beware because they end up in my belly. The porcupine reminds me to be playful, and the poem goes something like this: stickly prickly, do not push your way into my life without consent. Unasked advice has a price- control is not good intent.
Generally, I must create a space for imperfection, for what simply is. This state of affairs is not going to go anywhere, not even with a huge battle with my roommates, and that would not be pleasant or productive. Cleaning is definitley more my thing. I must remember that when I don’t hold back, when I provide my talents, the universe supports me- the boys support me in other ways.
I release the urge to control my surroundings. All that I can control is myself. I must continually let go of my ego hassling me about what is “right” and “wrong.” What is Tao for me is what serves me. That is to control my house with perspective, as a Taurus, clean, orderly, sensuous, meticulous. I can’t resist it, and putting up so much resistance has taxed my energy. When I create a space for imperfection and disorder, I create a space for love, and for me to be myself– really, truly, lovingly, myself. Humbled, and in service. To myself above all, and to others.
My man said it himself. “Just ask and we will do a cleaning jam together.” He is committed to an hour of cleaning a week.
Cleaning jam, here we go, and I am loving it.
P.S. Going deeper– maybe I was resisting being a wife! Rebelling against tradition… except this is not really a traditional situation. We’re not married, and I have two men in this house. I have a job, I pay rent. Maybe I was being a spoiled only child- wanting everything done and not wanting to do any of it. All these tasks, and I felt like I had to do them all– but I don’t. I am growing into being a woman, it’s time to own it. I cook, I clean, I have a life outside the home, this is what I do. The boys have what they do too.
Before I moved in, my man said that we are partners. He’s committed to me. It’s time I not hold back doing wifey stuff- not hold back for lack of a label and a title, for rebellion, for some chimeric “equality” and women’s lib. Who am I really? I am a woman, a partner, a friend, a lover, a nurturer. I am being taken care of, it’s ok to give! Every little thing does not have to be split evenly. Everyone pitches in their strengths.
I ask for the power to discriminate between situations where I need to not hold back, and lovingly share my talents, and situations where I righteously ask for help.
Rant, Reflection | 3.05.2009 9:07 | No Comments
N. Lois Turtledove is a graduate student at the University of Colorado at Denver obtaining a Master's Degree in Humanities. She teaches yoga inside and outside the home, and understands that the only real enemy is the self, and the Self is the deepest source of nurture. She wishes happiness and freedom from suffering for herself and for all sentient beings.